A Drop of Joy

Looking back on my book, As You Go: Words for the Unknown

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My name is Tanner and here I post stories, reflections, poems, and prayers.

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A Drop of Joy

This is a page from my book, As You Go: Words for the Unknown. 

The other day someone posted this poem on their Instagram story and tagged me.

I often get nervous when I see I’ve been tagged in something.

My first thought is someone has read one of my books and is alerting the world that it is complete garbage.

In my fear they use those exact words:

Complete garbage.

Maybe I should talk to my counselor about this recurring worry.

It has been a while since I thought about this particular page. 

Of all my books, As You Go is the one I return to the least. Maybe it’s because it’s not one I read from during shows and events. Or maybe it’s because it reminds me of the Pandemic. 

I wrote this collection during the dark days of 2020.

I would ask if you remember those days, but how can we forget?

In the Fall of 2019 I left my full-time job at a church to pursue my dream of being a writer, poet, and speaker. I was touring the country. Speaking and performing at schools, churches, coffee shops, and conferences. I was living out my dream. My calendar was alive and well. I was alive and well. I thought and prayed, “Wow! God, this is too good to be true.” And then the Pandemic happened and I prayed, “Oh. Wow. God, what do I do now?”

In those early months of the Pandemic I woke up early to write. 

Well, that’s not entirely true.

It wasn’t so much that I woke up early, it was that I couldn't stay asleep.

Anxiety and fear and the looming unknown woke me up before the sun could find the sky.

I waited in the dark of the morning, wondering if I had made the wrong choice to leave a steady job (with health insurance and benefits)  to become a writer.

There were days when I wanted to give up, but something in me told me to carry on. So, I did. I carried on and pushed back against my overthinking mind every time I sat down to write.

Writing was all I could do. 

Morning after morning, as I watched the sun climb out of the darkness, I wrote.

What I was writing was different from what I had been creating in the past.

I didn’t try to change what I was doing, but went with it, like I was floating down a river on a summer’s day.

My words were short, like an honest exhale.
A prayer.
A poem.
A thought. 

A note of comfort.
A reminder of hope.
A drop of joy. 

Is that a thing?
A drop of joy?
I don’t know.
Maybe it is now.

When I’d finish a poem I wondered if anything else needed to be said.

I’d stare deep into a page of 15 words and think, “There has to be more.”

But there wasn’t.

Sometimes a few words says it all.

During the Pandemic the world was experiencing a great deal of noise and long-winded messages. Perhaps this was my way of attempting to soften the noise, to help those who were overwhelmed with the constant ringing.

After a few months of writing I held a collection of words that would eventually become As You Go: Words for the Unknown.

After all, everything seemed to be unknown.

I didn’t know if I would be able to continue as a full-time writer.

I didn’t know if I would have to apply for a new job.

The unending road of the unknown was an invitation to trust that God had all things in His hands and that included me.

So, I trusted.

I self-published the book in September of 2020. Releasing the book was a bright spot of the Pandemic. Friends and followers messaged me to say the book was a note of comfort and a reminder of hope. I am still waiting for someone other than myself to say it was a drop of joy.

I wondered if self-publishing a book made me less of a writer. When I scrolled social media I saw writer after writer posting photos of themselves signing book deals. I got lost comparing myself to them, thinking I wasn’t a real writer. I debated, wondering if I should wait to release the book or try to find a literary agent, but something in me said, “Go.”

So, I went.

In the spare bedroom where I wrote the book is where I released the book.

I self-published As You Go and came to learn that this doesn’t make you less of a writer. Self-publish, traditional, whatever. A writer is a writer. A book is a book. A creation is a creation. I’m not sure there is such a thing as being made less of a writer. You are either a writer or you aren’t. And if you’re writing, you’re a writer. And I was writing. 

Day after day I was falling back in love with the work that has led my hair to fall out and my heart to come alive.

2020 is getting further behind us. 

Soon As You Go: Words for the Unknown will turn 4 years-old. 

Since releasing this book my writing has changed a bit.

for instance, no longer do i think every word needs to be lowercase.

That was a phase.

We all go through phases.

Some wear JNCO Jeans.
Some only listen to emo music.
Some become runners and bread makers.
Some plant gardens or become vegan.

i fell into the crowd of refusing to use proper punctuation. 

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT LOWERCASE IS LESS ANNOYING THAN UPPERCASE. 

i wanted this book to whisper and not shout.

These days, when I sit down to write, my hands want to offer more than a handful of words. I want to tell a story. I want to talk about God. I want to capitalize Hope. I want to invite you to believe everything will be okay. I want to make you laugh or think or cry or all three.

I still want to offer a note of comfort or reminder of hope or a drop of joy.

I guess a “drop of joy” is now part of my vocabulary.

If today was 2020 and I was able to re-write this page, it would say this: 

When life is the way you never thought it would be, give yourself a moment to breathe. Let your hands empty and your body rest. Close your eyes and remember Hope is alive and lives inside. Listen as you hear the words we all long to believe: Everything will be okay. And it will be. Because Hope has taken you this far and will continue to carry you as you go.

Something like that.

Carry on.

With hope,

Tanner Olson

Grab a copy of As You Go: Words from the Unknown from Amazon or writtentospeak.com

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