Subject: Feeling Left Behind

Ask Me Anything

Jul 17, 2024

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Message: Hi Tanner, I saw your "ask me anything" post on Instagram the other day and it got me thinking …

How do you respond when you feel an overwhelming sense of being left behind? When all my friends have moved on to other life phases or moved away (some multiple stages ahead of me) and my life seems to be just staying the same and never changing. There are good things and I know I can always find something positive in my life, but it's hard to not focus on what's missing or where I am compared to everyone else. How do we live with the "not yets" when we aren't even promised that they will come?

Response:
Hi, Feeling Left Behind

I wish I knew what to tell you, but I am not sure I have the right words.

I’ve been writing the following for the last week and when I read it back I’m not satisfied.

Maybe that’s because I believe the best response to your question is to have breakfast together.

If we were sitting across from one another at a diner I’d order us some coffee and a stack of pancakes, because if I know anything it’s that breakfast makes everything better.

And it’s always better to be together than alone, especially when wrestling with a big question like the one you’ve got your arms wrapped around.

I’d hold my mug of coffee and listen as you share how you’re feeling.

I wouldn’t tell you how to feel or tell you what to do, but when it comes time I would share what I wanted to hear when I was in a similar season feeling a similar way.

That’s heavy.
I hate this for you.
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.

Then I would pour a little more syrup on our pancakes, because can you ever have enough syrup?

It’s hard to watch and wait as you wonder why and when, isn’t it?

Feeling left behind is a feeling that’s hard to shake off. Maybe it’s hard to shake off because it wasn’t meant to be shaken off. Most feelings aren’t to be ignored or thrown to the side, but are an opportunity for us to slow down and lean in. Our feelings mark the spot and invite us to dig deeper, but we don’t have to dig alone.

I am learning that we need people in our lives who we can share that this is the way life is for us. People who will let us wonder and wander out loud, who will allow us and invite us to dig deeper into the questions we are asking and the feelings we are feeling. They aren’t trying to fix what we are wrestling with, but offer their hands to help us hold the heaviness. After all, life is heavy.

We were not created to carry the heaviness alone.

It’s hard to move forward without giving attention to what continues to stop you in your tracks, just like it’s hard to be where you are when where you are is not where you want to be.

To be single when you want to be in a relationship.
To watch others raise their children when all you want is to be a parent.
To rent an apartment when you are ready to own a house.
To be in one season when you are ready to be in the next.
To rest when your mind continues to run.
To enjoy living when what you are living is not what you thought life would be.
To be here when you want to be there.

Like you, I have walked through seasons that seem to just stay the same and never change. Seasons of feeling stuck. Seasons of watching everyone receive the answer to my prayers. Seasons of silence and doubt, frustration and fear. Seasons of feeling the weight of comparison and the heartbreak of being where I was, not where I thought I would be.

Yet, in every season I came to believe that we cannot make God hurry up. God does things differently, but always for our good. And yes, there were plenty of seasons when I wondered if that last sentence was true. I do believe it is. It is exhausting to trust God and wait for one season to end and another to begin, but sometimes all we can do is trust and wait.

So, back to your question, how do we live with the "not yets" when we aren't even promised that they will come?

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0:00

-1:17

We press play instead of pause and keep living life.
We buy flowers for the kitchen table.
We go to that restaurant we’ve been wanting to try.
We plant seeds and water them and watch them grow and change as we grow and change.
We ask God how and why and when as we thank Him for what is.
We celebrate the little things.
We try and try to try.
We keep believing as comparison calls for our attention.
We ask for help.
We trust God will get us through.
We add something to the calendar to look forward to.
We add more syrup to our pancakes.
We walk a little slower.
We remember that goodness follows us and new mercies are arriving with the morning light.
We hold everything loosely and with love.
We make plans for a vacation.
We remind ourselves that life is not a race.
We pray honest prayers and we pray them again and again.
We continue to dream and breathe.
We continue to open up and reach out.
We continue to wait.
We continue to hope, because we believe something good is on the way.

Back to the diner.

After we are finished drinking coffee and eating pancakes, I would give you a hug, because that is often what we really need. Before we go our separate ways I would slip a note into your hand, a few words to hold onto as you keep holding on.

As you wait, trust.
As you trust, remember.
As you remember, rejoice.
As you rejoice, breathe.
As you breathe, continue.
As you continue, hope.
Always hope.

And then I would suggest we do this again sometime soon, because it’s always good to have something on your calendar to look forward to.

After all, something good is always on the way.

With hope,

Tanner