Matthew Perry was my teacher

Night after night I’d watch rerun episodes of Friends, learning from Perry’s iconic character, Chandler Bing.

In high school, Matthew Perry was one of my teachers.

Night after night I’d watch rerun episodes of Friends, learning from Perry’s iconic character, Chandler Bing.

Through 30 minute episodes at a time, Perry taught me how to be funny.

He showed me how to be quick and witty.

He demonstrated how to pay attention and be present and to show up as the only person you can show up as: yourself. 

Like the theme song says, Friends has always been there for me.

Friends brought me comfort when I was homesick at college and while I lived alone in my early 20s.

In some strange way, this show prepared me for what I didn’t know was ahead.

If you’re familiar with the show, you know that Chandler and Monica get married and eventually, after trying (and trying and trying) to get pregnant, choose to grow their family through adoption.

I have a vivid memory from high school of watching the episode, The One with the Birth Mother.

After dinner, I turned on the episode and watched alone in our living room.

I sat with my left leg tucked under right, leaning against the arm of the couch.

My hands were empty and I was completely locked in on the story.

In the episode, Chandler and Monica meet with a young pregnant woman, Erica, who is considering them to adopt her child.

In one particular scene, Chandler speaks alone with Erica.

He tells her how it kills him that he cannot give Monica a baby. Chandler isn’t trying to be witty or sarcastic. Comedy is all about timing and this is not the time. He appears tired as he holds pain and hope together. He is helpless, willing to do whatever to give the woman he loves what she desires. Chandler goes on and says, “I really want a kid. And when the day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad, but my wife, she’s already there. She’s a mother without a baby.”

The scene wasn’t funny or dramatic.

Although it was a scripted show, the scene felt real and authentic.

It was heartbreaking.

I remember being moved to tears as Chandler was honest about their journey with infertility.
I remember thinking how hard it must be for a couple to try and wait and try and wait.
I remember watching this scene and thinking to myself: this story is going to be similar to yours.

I cannot tell you why I thought that, but I did.

And it is.

As I write this, my wife and I are in a place similar to Chandler and Monica. We are waiting for a birth mom to choose us to parent her baby. Like them we’ve been walking through the pain of infertility while looking forward with hope.

Through the character Chandler Bing, Matthew Perry didn’t just teach me how to be funny, but  how to lean on your friends “when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.”

He showed me how to be honest and vulnerable with my story. 

He showed me life won’t always go the way you think it’s going to go, but keep going.

And now, as I re-watch clips from the show, Chandler is reminding me once again of something I often forget: I can hold pain and hope together as I wait.

And that’s how I’ll remember the man who taught me to be funny.

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