Going Away to College

Go cry big, ugly tears

Welcome!

My name is Tanner and here I post stories, reflections, poems, and prayers.

Before you move onto the next thing, hit the subscribe button! Thanks for being here.

Already a subscriber? Today is a great day to become a paid subscriber!

Going Away to College

This week a few of my friends will be dropping their children off at college for the first time.

I can’t imagine.

I’m sure they can’t either.

It probably seems like just the other day when they were holding them in their arms, wondering who they would become.

Where does the time go?

I’m not sure.

Time either moves too quickly or too slow, but it’s always moving on.

And so are we.

I remember the day I was dropped off at college.

It was a terrible day.

I hated it.

When I think back on it, I still hate it.

I was anxious and terrified and empty.

I was falling apart while trying to hold it all together.

I was unpacking my life in a new place that felt far from home.

I did my best to put on a brave face and to take every step forward with confidence, but had you seen me that day you would know how bad I am at pretending to be confident.

The right choice had somehow started to feel wrong and I was ready to get back in the car to go home. 

The day I was dropped off at college was the same day my father and I got into an argument.

We disagreed about where we should eat breakfast or what time we should get to the school or how to load the car.

I can’t remember.

It doesn’t matter.

All I remember thinking was, “I’m mad at you because I am going to miss you.”

That day emotions were touchy, and for good reason.

It wasn’t just me who was starting a new chapter, my family was, too. 

And none of us had a clue as to what the pages would hold.

I didn’t know what I was doing and this filled me to the brim with unending fear.
I didn’t know how to put into words how I was feeling and I was feeling a lot that day.
I didn’t know how to say goodbye to my parents, because I didn’t want to say goodbye to them.
I didn’t know if I was ready or not, but ready or not it was time to begin a new adventure.

For all I didn’t know, there were a few things I knew without a doubt:
I was loved.
I had a home that would welcome me at any time.
Somehow everything would be okay.
This was the next right thing.
No matter how hard and painful and lonely it was, this was the next right thing.

So, I say all off this to say:

As you drop off your child at college, I hope it is a terrible day.
I hope you cry big, ugly tears.
I hope your shirt gets ruined and you run out of tissues.
I hope you are sad and hesitant to get in the car and drive home.
I hope you tell your child how much you love them and I hope you tell them again and again.
I hope you give them one last kiss in front of their new roommate and I hope it embarrasses them.
I hope you hide notes in their dorm room and send them a care package as soon as you get home.
I hope you have to stop on the way home and cry even bigger and even uglier tears.
And I hope you know this is not goodbye, but love.

This is love and what a love this is.

What a love it is to watch your child step into the unknown and say to them, “I love you. I’m always here for you. I’ll talk to you soon.”

And how brave it is to get in the car and drive back to a home that is missing someone who is so loved.

Go cry those big, ugly tears.

Right before I began to cry big, ugly tears. August 2008.

Website | Books | On Instagram | On Facebook

---

For more poetry and stories follow me on Instagram and Facebook.