Dear God, help me not blow it.

Judah is now 6 months old.

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My name is Tanner Olson and I am an author, poet, and speaker. Here I share whatever comes to mind. Often I’ll post a prayer or poem or reflection or story. Before you move onto the next thing hit the subscribe button! Thanks for being here.

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It is 4 AM and I am awake.
The house is still, but my mind is moving.
I’m in a dark room, trying to find some words, something that will make you smile or think or exhale or be drawn closer to God.

But it’s early and I haven’t had coffee yet, so don’t expect much.

Before I put my hands on my computer I whispered a prayer.
Something like, “God, Thank you for another day. Help me not blow it. Amen.”

I am always asking God to help me not blow it.

April is over and May is here.
One season has ended and another has arrived.

Change found us and will keep finding us.

The trees are no longer naked.
The grass is no longer brown.
The sky is no longer gray.
Everything is flourishing and alive. 

Sometimes I am good with the changes life continues to give, other times I wish time would stand still.
Right now I wish time would stand still.

The year is almost halfway through and I feel like I finally caught my breath.
The first few months were a blur and a blessing.

Judah is now 6 months old.
He no longer sleeps in our room and I miss him. I miss his cries. I miss hearing him breathe. I miss his tossing and turning. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being reminded that I am his father.

These days Judah and I laugh a lot together. I make noises and he giggles. He makes noises and I giggle. We wrestle and play and dance. I’ve heard that you shouldn’t be friends with your children, but I am failing at this. I am failing hard. I love this guy.

Judah is growing.
That’s what I am telling everyone these days.

“How’s Judah?” they will ask.
I haven’t been asked how I am doing in months.
Which in some ways is a gift because I never know what to say.
“He’s growing. He’s getting so big.”
That’s what I tell everyone.
Then I show them photos with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen.

I am in the next room praying for Judah.
He is making noises, but he’s still asleep.
He’s growing.
He’s getting bigger.
He’s changing and so I am.
This season will not last forever.
Change found us and will keep finding us.
No matter what changes come our way I will always love this guy, just like I will always be asking God to slow time down, praying, “Help me not blow it.”

Judah.

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